As time passes on the hill

July 24th. That was the last time I posted on my blog. My how time flies by.

Speaking of time...I just turned 29 years old. Now...first of all...I know that 29 is not old. However, I did discover that I am aging. I think it finally hit me. I have always acted...well...more immature than my age suggested I should but have never noticed any problems with that. That is...until last week.

My family and I took a vacation to go camping at the Warren Dunes in Michigan (where I spent many vacations growing up). It was a beautiful week. One in which we hiked, went to the beach, etc. One day we even hiked over 6 miles up and down hills. Melissa had a backpackers pack on with all the beach stuff and I have Maggie on my back. Yet, we still made the trek without any major problems. After that...I still felt young and fresh.

The problem came when I attempted to go down one of the sand dunes. You see, when I was little we used to run down the hill as fast as we could. Many times the only way to stop was to fall down and roll through the sand at the bottom. As I started down the hill I noticed very quickly that my knees really did not want to do it. At least not like I used to.

It was this moment that I noticed that I had grown up. I was no longer the young kid that would spend all his time running up and down that hill. I am 29 years old. I am married. I have a child. I have a full-time job. I have responsibilities and stresses. Things just aren't like they used to be. And...I think a part of me died. I was bummed that I would never be that person again. The care-free child that could run up and down any hill whenever he wanted without a concern in the world.

I grew up with this as the greatest place in the world. It was my favorite place to go. And...my favorite thing to do there was to run down this hill. Now...I stood just a short distance from the top...hit with the realization that I will probably never run like that down this hill again. Standing there...looking down the hill I had spent so much time on...a part of me died that day.

That all happened on day one. No one else was around. I had just taken off to climb the hill that evening because I missed it so much and I left a part of me there. But a funny thing happened over the rest of the week.

That week I began to notice something. I was sharing with my wife and child the place that I had loved for so many years. I had a chance to tell all the stories of all that had happened over the years with my family. My family! Suddenly I realize that I have grown up and I was a new man.

You see...I always wanted to be just like my dad. I made life decisions and moves to be like him. Over this week...as I looked at my family I realized that while we are still very different...we have the greatest thing in common. We have families. I have a little girl to share things like the Warren Dunes with. I have a daughter I can show how to pick a good walking stick for hiking. I have a sweet angel of a child who will learn from me like I learned from my dad.

So...this week a lot of me died. Sure...I still act more immature and childish than my age would suggest...but that won't change. But...with death comes life. And I guess...after all of this...I see a little more clearly what it means to die to myself.

I recall the words from the Gospel of Luke that state, "If anyone wants to become my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” (Luke 9:23-24)

If we want to become something more (in my story...a father, a husband, a man) we have to, in a way, die to ourselves. We have to do away with our "childish ways" as Paul puts it and life into something else.

It is all about being transformed. Transformed into something more...something better...something new. As we seek to follow Christ...it is the same story. We want to be like Him and we strive to live as He lived. However...if we truly want this to happen...we have to be willing to do away with some of those 'old' things.

So...I will never sprint down that hill again. But...that is okay. Because I get to share it with my little girl...and that is far greater than anything else.

In the same way...I will never go out and do the things I did in College. But...that is okay. Because I get to share Jesus Christ with my little girl...and that is far greater than anything else.

Settled

Well...it has been a while since I posted last. And...it will be a little longer yet. However, we are settled in (for the most part) and have been really busy at Mt Etna. We are in a great church with amazing people. God has truly blessed us with the gift of a great community of believers who hope to see God work in amazing ways. So, until things slow down (which...in all honesty...I hope it takes a while...because things are great) blessings to you all.

Second Chance

My family and I were blessed by our Sunday School class as they sent us off with a picnic. We will be leaving in a short two weeks and they wanted to have a get-together...to thank us I guess. But...the reality is...we should thank them.

We were welcomed into the class from day one. They were friendly and receptive of us both...and when Maggie was born we were REALLY accepted. There were bumps and bruises along the way at times...but those are good.

Toward the end of the picnic someone thanked me for giving them a second chance. You see...we had certainly not gotten off to a good start with one another. He saw me as sitting in my ivory tower...while I...in all honesty...saw him the same way. I believe there is truth to perceptions. Whether I or he wanted to admit it...we probably in some sense came across that way somehow. The shocking thing to me was when I received a message via email from this person who stated...bluntly...that he did not care for me.

I was shocked. How could someone say something like this? Some Christian he was, I thought. However, as time progressed...I began to respect what he did. You see...too often we hold back from revealing what we truly feel. We reserve our emotions and hesitate to be honest with one another. Accountability is an important part of Christianity...and sometimes...that means being honest. Why is it that this is so hard for most people? The answer: because it is not "nice". We are taught to be nice...not honest. We are taught that if we can't say something nice don't say anything at all...not honesty.

Is our relationship perfect now? I don't know. I could probably be better but distance and schedules (and gas prices) made it difficult to attend the men's lunches and really invest in building a relationship. I wish I had more time over the past few months...and more money for gas. Then I would have been able to make more of an effort. Because I know now that this person is a good man. But what I really learned is that I would probably have never known that about him if he never told me that he did not care for me because I am not sure I would have had the honesty to do the same. So...the reality is that we both probably needed a second chance...and I think that is what we got from one another. And...it all started with honesty.

Stole-n

Next week I will be honored to kneel before God and be commissioned in the United Methodist Church (North Indiana Conference) by our bishop. I am humbled by the opportunity, by the realization of where God has taken us, and by the fear-filled, eager anticipation of what lies ahead.

This will also be the first time I will wear my clergy robe (other than seeing how good I look in our mirror). Those of us being commissioned were told that we need to have our robes but a stole will not be necessary. I wondered at this statement as I was unaware that one would even wear a stole for such an occasion.

I attended the ordination ceremony a couple of years ago for my friend/mentor. When he was ordained, he received a stole. He received a stole for a reason. A stole is a symbol of one's ordination...therefore...if one is not ordained they should not wear one.

Is it that one is not worthy of wearing a stole until they are ordained? Maybe. Once commissioned, you are placed on "probationary membership". To be put crudely, this means that the UMC is watching you to make sure you are fit and prepared for ordained elder status. Therefore, I ask the question again. Is one worthy of wearing a stole before they are ordained?

According to the United Methodist Church...the answer is no. "The stole is a sign of ordination, and it is placed on the shoulders of elders and deacons at ordination. The stole should be worn only by the ordained clergy." (http://www.gbod.org/worship/default_body.asp?act=reader&item_id=1768 Copyright © 2000-2003 The General Board of Discipleship.)

Yet...many people who are not ordained continue to wear a stole even though the are not "worthy". Maybe "worthy" is a strong term...then again...maybe not. There is something to be said for what God has done in the lives of those who have been ordained. And...if that is the case...I find it is important to pay my respects toward those individuals by not adorning myself with the symbol that has been placed on them. If I do...doesn't it devalue what the stole means? Or have we already devalued what the stole stands for?

Good...Grief...Good Grief

Children grow. It is a plain and simple truth of life. A little under 8 months ago, as you know, Melissa and I were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. Over the 8 months, we have seen her grow and advance through the stages of development. Now she is crawling...or should I say...trying to skip crawling?

Maggie has always been strong. She has been able to support her own weight on her feet for...well, as long as I remember. since she has been able to crawl she has been pulling herself to her feet. This is awfully early as far as I am concerned.

This is all very good. We enjoy the fact that she is advanced in pretty much all areas of her development. I am not saying she is a genius...well...yes I am. I am a proud father...I can do that. I love the fact that she is growing up. I love the fact that she is developing and learning new things. It is exciting. (By the way...she just sat up on her own for the first time tonight. How exciting!)

But...you know...when I see her do these things like crawl, pull herself up, talk, etc. I begin to feel something else. It is a little depressing. I remember the first time I saw her crawl across the floor without stopping. I felt as though I lost something...something special...something I will never get back. And...I did. I lost my little girl. The little girl who could only get to her knees and rock. But...when she did that...I lost the little girl that couldn't even get onto her knees. It goes all the way back to the first time I held her in my arms. Through the tears in my eyes I saw Magdalene Rae Johnson. My daughter. My child. The center of my world...in my arms. In a way...as she grows up, I continually lose that. It is a sense of grief.

So, things are good. She is developing better than average. It is exciting...it is joyful...it is good. But it is also sad. It is depressing to see your little girl grow and realize that she will never be that little girl who stared up at me that first day, laying her eyes on her daddy for the first time. But, it is a grief that we seek because we want her to grow and learn and develop.

In the end...maybe Charlie Brown had it right. Maybe it is not good. Maybe it is not grief. Maybe in the midst of a cartoon that has entertained for generations is found the term that best describes the feelings of a fairly new father who loves his daughter more than the world will ever know and struggles to find the words to express these emotions. "Good grief!"

This is the Great Life that God has Given Us.

As I read my wife's post about Maggie and her first Easter (which you can read at http://miamidolfans.blogspot.com/) I noticed something that made me really think. Toward the conclusion of her post, Melissa said that, "this is the great life that God has given us."

As I read this I could not help but think about Easter. Easter is the celebration of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is through this great miracle that we were given the gift of eternal life. Life...a gift from God. But, it is important to note that she said it was a "great" life. This is the point in which I realized that we have been residing in Easter for the past six months.

Often times in referring to those who are grieving, we speak of what day they are experiencing. They could be experiencing the pain and loss of Good Friday, the wilderness that is Saturday, or they could be experiencing the hope that is found on Easter Sunday. As we celebrate Lent and Easter, we walk a journey in this way. This year I feel as though we, meaning Melissa and I, simply skipped Good Friday and Saturday and proceeded right to Easter. Allow me to explain.

It all started on September 5th, 2007. It was this evening that Melissa informed me that she was having contractions that were five minutes apart. For those of you who do not know...this means that you are close to the point of going to the hospital. We left that evening to go to Central Baptist and would return a couple of days later, never to return to life as we knew it before.

We came home with the most beautiful, happy, precious little girl in the world. The level of pride that we have in Magdalene and all that she has done since then is tremendous. I cannot begin to tell you how much she has taught us about God...and how much we love her. She is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to us. She has done nothing but strengthen our marriage and our family. God definately blessed us with this child and through her...we have experienced Easter.

On February 24th, I had my commissioning interviews with the Board of Ordained Ministry. It was a nerve-racking experience that created much stress and doubt in my mind. I was worried as the North Indiana Conference has had more pastors than they have had appointments. When I returned home that evening, I recieved a call informing me that I had indeed been approved for commissioning. This means that Melissa can stay at home while I serve as a pastor of a local church because an appointment is guaranteed for those who are commissioned. God blessed us in this news and through this...we have experienced Easter.

Approximately one month later, I recieved a phone call from my DS. I was told it was extremely early to find out...but nonetheless...I was informed that the Bishop had appointed me to a local church as the lead pastor. Needless to say, we were thrilled. Finally, we could see what we have been striving toward for quite some time now. God has blessed us with an appointment and through this...we have experienced Easter.

All of these things made it difficult to really place myself into a "Lenten" state of mind. The reality is that we have been in Easter for quite some time now. And...I am not entirely sure that I will ever be able to really experience Lent like I used to. Each day I have the wonderful opportunity to hug and kiss Magdalene. And each time that she looks at me and smiles from ear to ear when I come home...or for that matter...simply enter the room, I experience Easter all over again. In that I see hope...I see love...I see Christ.

But...I guess I have to remember...we live on this side of the resurrection. We are celebrating the Easter joy continuously. Do we have to really experience Lent in a particular way? I don't think so. Because, in the midst of Lent we understand what Christ did for us. We observe the dark day of Good Friday and the wilderness of Saturday. However, unlike those who stood near the cross like Mary Magdalene...we know what is to come. There is hope...there is joy...there a peace in knowing that we are loved.

So, I guess, each time God blesses us with something like an appointment or the beautiful smile of a little girl...we can always rest in knowing that, "this is the great life that God has given us."

She's Everything

As I am no poet...there are times that you hear the lyrics to a song that seem to speak words that you couldn't find on your own. Maybe it is because I have not tapped into my semantic reservoir. Or, maybe it is because I am not talented at poetry. I like to think it is the latter.

In any regard...as I drove down the road the other day I heard a song I had heard a number of times before. This time it was different. I think it was because I was on my way to a job in the evening while my wife and daughter were at home. I really am not a fan of being gone in the evening because that is my time with my family...and that is extremely important to me. So, as I drove toward Lexington I guess I was slightly bummed that I was headed north rather than heading south toward home. The song came on, the one I had heard many times before, but this time it spoke a little differently to me. I guess for the first time I actually took the time to listen to the words and understood that the lyrics were really my own.

Brad Paisley - She's Everything

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowin
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

[Chorus]
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
because she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

[Repeat chorus]

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah shes everything to me
everything to me

Appointed!

Well...it happened. On Tuesday, I received the phone call I have been waiting for. My District Superintendent called. When I returned the call, he gave me the number to my new DS because the Bishop had appointed me to a church in his district. Just a couple of days later, Melissa, Maggie, and myself were headed for Indiana to meet with the SPRC (Staff Parish Relations Committee). After meeting with them...it was official. Starting in July, I will be the Senior Pastor of Mt. Etna United Methodist Church in Indiana.

It feels good knowing where we are going...and...at the same time...it is terrifying. After years of waiting, I have met some of the over one hundred people that I will be ministering too. The task is so daunting, yet so exciting. Thankfully, just as God has gotten us through this journey, he will lead us through the new season in our lives that begins in just a few short months.

Below is a picture taken from Google Maps (I looked up Mt Etna, Indiana). The picture shows the church property just west of "town" (I use "town" loosely because there are more people in the church than there are in the town). They built the church in 2005, and from the looks of the picture, it too was created in 2005. Picture a pond between the church and highway 9...and some grass...and you have the church. From all of the Johnsons (even Maggie)...God is good.

I Hope...

As I have stated before, having a daughter has completely changed my life. Since day one people have continually asked the question...'who does she look like?' Well...we have found that it really just depends on who you ask. If you ask Melissa's side of the family, she is a spitting image of Melissa. If you ask my side, she looks like me. But, I chalk both of those up to the fact that each side of the family has only watched one of us grow up. So...for a decision we must resort to the parents...that being us. And we say, she does not look like either of us. She is Magdalene Rae Johnson. Thank God she is not just like either of us. She is completely her own person and I praise God for that every day. She does not look like one of us in particular and she does not act like one of us in particular. She is a beautiful blend of both Melissa and myself.

With all of these questions, however, I have been compelled to think about who she is like (which there is little conclusion on anything about her) and who she will be like in the future. So, I have compiled a short list of what characteristics of us that I hope she picks up.


When she is challenged, I hope she fights like me.
When she is happy, I hope she laughs like mom.

At day, I hope she plays like me.
At night, I hope she sleeps like mom.

When it storms, I hope she is in awe like me.
When it snows on Christmas, I hope she rejoices like mom.

I hope she thinks about her beliefs like me.
I hope she holds to them like mom.

I hope she cheers for her team like me.
I hope she can let go like mom.

I hope she is emotional like me.
I hope she is strong like mom.

I hope she is encouraging like me.
I hope she cares for her loved ones like mom.

I hope she is proud of being American like me.
I hope she is proud of her ancestry like mom.

I hope she runs like me.
I hope she swims like mom.

I hope she hugs like me.
I hope she hugs like mom.

I hope she learns from her mistakes like me.
I hope she avoids mistakes like mom.

I hope she finds someone who loves her like me.
I hope she loves him like I am by her mom.

I hope she leads like me.
I hope she follows like mom.

I hope she stays up like me.
I hope she wakes up like mom.

I hope she forgives like me.
I hope she loves like mom.

But, most importantly, I hope when people look at her they don't see me or her mom...but Christ.

Commissioned!

Over the course of August, September, and October, I spent a lot of time completing paperwork for my conference. After completing it all, I had to ship it to my registrar. 100's of pages and 150 staples later, it was complete and I could breath.

But, not for long. It was shortly after turning in all of this work that I was informed that things were tight in the North Indiana Conference and they may have to limit the number of people being commissioned. This was a bit nerve-racking. For those of you who don't know the UMC process, commissioning, in a nut-shell means a guaranteed full-time appointment and that Melissa would be able to stay at home with Maggie once we are placed in a church. This, needless to say, would be huge in giving us at least some security going into the future.

On Wednesday I met with the Board of Ordained Ministry for my interviews. The evening, we received the news of our blessing that I will be commissioned on May 31st of this year. What a blessing it is to know that even when we doubt ourselves and worry about our future, God is always encouraging, supporting, and providing. We truly do serve an amazing God.

I told you so.

Well...I hate to be the one to say it. No...that's not true! I love it! I was right! The Colts lost in the playoffs only to end in a disappointing fashion for all those who have been misled into cheering for them. I guess there is little to be said here other than. I told you so. (See previous post entitled "Not a Two Horse Race")

I wasn't the only one who predicted such a feat. (See previous post entitled "The Joy of Parenthood")

It has been a great playoff so far. The Chargers and Patriots are still in the mix. The Colts, Cowboys, and Steelers are all out. All things are looking good. And there is still more football to come.

The Joy of Parenthood

Ah...what a joy it is to see that your child is growing up right. It warms my heart to see such a beautiful and wonderful sight. ;)




What did I tell you? Simply marvelous!!

An Intense Focus

You know...having a daughter is probably the most humbling and amazing circumstance that I have ever had in my life. From day one she has captivated my heart and all of my attention. She is by far the most important person in my life. I always thought after meeting Melissa that I could love no one more than I love her. I don't know if it is that I love Magdalene more (I hate saying that I love any human more than my wife) or if it is just different. I think the safe way to go is to say that I love them differently. In saying that I avoid the false connotation that I do not love Melissa as much as I do. I mean...seriously...I would die for either one of them in the blink of an eye.

There is just something different with Maggie. I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it is the fact that she is really the amazing result of the love that Melissa and I have. Maybe it is that every time I look at Magdalene...I see her mother. Maybe it is that every time I look at Magdalene and see how happy she is I see how happy we are. Maybe it is that every time I hear her I am breathless and in awe of the miraculous blessing that God has placed in our lives. Maybe...just maybe...when I look in her beautiful eyes I find myself looking at the majesty of God.

Over the past four months, I have learned a lot about God. Most of the time this comes from the emotions and revelations I have when I consider and understand my relationship to her. But over the past couple of weeks, Magdalene has taught me something new. It is not about how God feels about us or how much he loves us. This time it is about how we relate to God. It is a lesson about the relationship from the side of the sinner.

Like always, Maggie has been doing this thing that melts my heart every time. It can happen at pretty much any time. She will stare. She will sit in her mother's lap or in the corner of the couch and stare. The lesson that I found is in what she stares at. She stares at me. I mean right at me. There is no question what she is looking at. She does not blink. She does not turn away. She is intently focused on my face. As if she is trying to see into my soul...she just stares. I have tried on a number of occasions to have a staring contest...but she always wins. She is good.

She just sits there and is intensely focused on her father's face. It makes me think about how we too should be focused on our Father's face. The face is the reflection of one's character and their personality. We do not judge people's personality by their feet or their hands...but rather by their face. Throughout Scripture the face of God is used in a way to signify the presence of God or the character of God. This is not always the case...but sometimes to refer to the face of God is to refer to the presence and character of God.

We do well to intensely focus on our Father. To look into His face is to understand who He is and learn from Him. As Maggie focuses on me, she will also try to mimic the movements of my mouth and the sounds if I exaggerate them for her. She is learning from me because she is focused on me. How often is it that we are in a position to look into the face of God but fail to do so. All we have to do is turn away from whatever it is that is taking our time and turn our heads toward Him. Who knows...maybe we will learn something. Maybe we will become more like Him because we will begin to mimic His character and His personality. Maybe, a mere child can teach us all something about our relationship to our Father and how we should interact with Him. It is not enough to simply glance at our Father. Instead, our focus on our Father should be one of intensity and determination...where we do not blink.

Not a two horse race!

I found it interesting as I was in Indiana over the holiday that the hatred for the New England Patriots is so strong. The Colts' pseudo-fan contingent makes assertions such as..."they are cheaters," or "their coach is a jerk," or "they run the score up on people. That is the only reason Brady broke the record." Ah...the joy I get from hearing such fallacious arguments. It makes me chuckle. For one...it is clear by the way the patriots got to 16-0 that any cheating on their part would be unnecassary and pointless. No cheating would enable them to do what they did. Secondly, get over the fact that Coach B. keeps to himself and does not seem to like shaking hands after a game. Thirdly...Tom Brady just complete what could be considered the single greatest season for a quarterback...ever! This is coming from someone who is a dedicated Dan Marino supporter, who before this year held that honor. Tom Brady's breaking of the TD record was momentous and far greater than the 49 that the QB for Indy threw for in 2004. Which, oddly enough, if you watched that season, one would see that they too "ran the score up" on opponents. So yes, Tom Brady's record is just as "legit" as the QB in Indy's was. Besides, Marino's 48 was a greater accomplishment than 49 in 2004...and there is good support for such a view. Trust me.

It seems that the entire focus in the minds of those who support Indy for now...while they are winning...is on New England. However, we do well to remember that in the AFC playoffs are 6 good teams. All of which could beat anyone else. I would say the weakest is probably the Titans. So, if we toss them out, we are left with the Chargers, the Steelers, the Jags, the Colts, and the Patriots. I would not want to face either of these teams in the playoffs. They are all dangerous...and they can all beat each other. During my trip to Indiana, however, I hear countless people tell me that Indy would go to New England and end their unbeaten streak. For your sake...I hope that the Colts aren't thinking that. Because most likely, they will be playing San Diego first...who beat Indy in the regular season after handing the game to Indy on a silver platter. Apparently Indy did not know how to take it...because they tossed that game away.

It is much too easy to look forward too far. We can look at where we want to be but forget that we have to take ourselves there. We must first have victory "A" before we can ever have victory "B". Maybe it is time that Colt fans stop hating New England. At least stop lying about why you hate them. You don't hate them because they cheat, or because of their attitudes, or because they run the score up. You don't even hate them because they are good. You hate them because they are better. And that stings.